Sumner Shortcuts

So Debra Maggart and Andy Allman decided that Diane Black and Jim Hawkins were having too much fun hogging the political spotlight with their little hissy fit… and have started their own.

Representative Maggart sent a letter out to doctors that asks for donations so she can defeat the “trial lawyer” Allman–who she says is out to get doctors with his legal practice.

Then Allman and the Democratic Party got all offended that she brought his family into it.  What she did was include in the letter an advertisement Allman had taken out in the Sumner County Lifestyles magazine with a picture of his family.

So she is technically attacking his business’ ad, and not his family.  He’s the one that chose to put his own family in the ad… something I will never understand.  Like the “if you have a job and $149″ guy… why do you keep putting your children in your ads? And it’s just as puzzling as Sarah Palin’s camp shushing the press about her pregnant daughter saying that family is off limits… but then a day later she trots out her entire family on the convention stage for millions to see.  What?  Holy double-standards, Batman!

Anyway… this sort of thing is as exciting as local politics gets in Sumner County, so we have no choice but to savor it and do our part to stir things up even more.

So… why does Allman put his kids and wife in an ad for his business and then cry “unfair” when his opponent sends a copy of that ad to constituents?!  Why does Maggart send such a poorly-written and incoherent message to doctors?  I mean, it only barely makes sense and there’s a hard-return missing between the first sentence and the second paragraph.  Doesn’t anybody proofread anymore?

Look, the fact is, they’re both wrong.  I know it’s hard to believe, but politicians can be fallible.  It does happen from time to time.  Mr. Allman should keep his kids out of advertisements unless he’s okay with people redistributing that image.  If we can be rational people here for a minute, you don’t put your family in a business ad during political season when you’re running for office unless that ad for your business is just a thinly-veiled ad for your candidacy.

And you don’t send pictures of your opponents children to voters without expecting some backlash.

I also don’t know that someone specializing in medical negligence as an attorney immediately makes them the boogey-man.  I mean… if a loved-one of mine has surgery and the doctor is high and screws it up and kills them… you can bet good money I’m going to an attorney that specializes in medical negligence.  Do I think a lot of attorneys are sharks who file barely-credible lawsuits in the hopes of getting a settlement?  Absolutely I do.  But I have a problem suggesting that he’s evil just because he’s a lawyer and one of his many specialties is malpractice law.

So this is all much ado about nothing–like 99.9% of politics.  It’s puffed up grandstanding about things that are harmless.  But I have decided to commemorate this political fight with a one-act play.  The whole thing is acted out like a puppet show with a Barbie and Optimus Prime, and you can read the script right now:

Allman: Vote for me because of my law practice, and here’s a picture of my family, for purely innocent and nonpolitical reasons.  Also vote for me because I can turn into a tractor trailer.
Maggart: He’s a lawyer, so he’s totally harshing my mellow and making America more sucky.
Allman: Am not!
Maggart: Are too!
Allman: How dare you bring into this argument my family that I had already brought into the public eye!
Maggart: How dare you sue doctors that screw up and kill people!
Allman: You best step off!
Maggart: You step off.
Allman: Waaa!
Maggart: Waaa!
Both: Vote for me!
Me: Meh.

The DVD will be out by November 1st.

Can’t we just once have something really salacious happen in a local election?  Can’t one candidate have an affair or be caught embezzling something?

Honestly, the whole thing is like a bad 7th grade argument between friends.

Wait a second–I guess it’s a good thing that our Sumner County political fights are so vanilla.  It might even mean that our politicians are decent people.